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On joining #FatStudyGroup January 5, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 4:52 pm

It’s a new year – and I’m freshly home from my European sabbatical (promise to write many more posts about this, including my love of train travel, the cool fatties I met across Europe, and my frustration with how inaccessible that entire continent seems to be). I’m not much for making resolutions, but I do find it useful to make lists of things I want more of in the new year and things I want less of in the new year.


On the top of my “More” list is reading; specifically reading as scholarship. Like many academics, I find it difficult to carve out time for scholarly reading. Most of the academic reading I do is ‘just in time’ reading – reading something I need for the project or manuscript I’m working on. There are suggestions for how academics can ensure they are reading regularly, even during heavy teaching times (if you’re not already taking tips from Raul Pacheco-Vega, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!).

All the pretty books! (A shelf in Iceland)

More pretties! (A shelf in Finland)


I had actually hoped to make reading a priority during my sabbatical; I had intended to read the entire Fat Studies literature during my time away and build an annotated bib to share. This didn’t eventuate, largely because I received so many invitations to share my work around Europe (good problem to have, I know!); but most of what I had hoped to read remained unread.


As I settle back into my life in New Zealand, I am prioritizing reading as an important part of my day. I’m planning to read for an hour everyday after lunch. And to help keep me focused on this – and motivated – I’m going to live Tweet my reading.

My lovelies


The amazing @KivaBay began #FatStudyGroup on Twitter last year, and she’s used the tag to share her thoughts about Fat Studies texts. I had intended to build an annotated bib with my reading, so why not do that in real time – and threaded Tweets – in addition to the Word document I hope to one day share online?


If you’re interested in keeping up with my live reading, follow me on Twitter (@FOMNZ), or search for the #FatStudyGroup. And if you’re reading/watching/listening to anything about fat – join the conversation!



On fatlicious gift giving – 2017 December 5, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 10:49 am

I love any excuse to shower the ones I love with gifts (it is my primary love style), and the holidays present a socially approved time to show people I love them through presents. Whenever possible, I like to give gifts that support my progressive politics – gifts that promote feminism, anti-racism, civil rights for fat people, etc.  I enjoy supporting the work of fat creators especially. Each year of my blog, I’ve gathered together a list of fatlicious gifts that I’m giving for the holidays; many of them are from fat creators too! See below for some fatlicious suggestions for your loved ones (and check out the very bottom for lists from previous years).


For the fatshionista

Ros Venus Brooch from Fancy Lady Industries

Ashley Bodycon Bardot dress from Premme

Curvy black sheer floral lace gown from 3Wishes

Fat Bottomed Girl hard enamel butt pin from HondoSupplyCo



For the person on the go

Sequin Sleeve Bomber Jacket from Ashley Nell Tipton & JC Penny

Ponte Knit Trench style jacket from eShakti

Moto jacket from Proud Mary Fashion



For the reader

Hunger by Roxane Gay

Shrill by Lindy West

Breaking normal: Essays about my fat, black, geek life by TaLynn Kel

Fa(t)shionista (pre-order; German) by Magda Albrecht



For the traveller

Decolonise body love tote bag by Nalgona Positive Pride

Fat positive button badge by PKPaperKitty

Airplane Seatbelt extender from Seat Belt Extender Pro (fits every carrier, worldwide, except Southwest, in my experience)


For the activist

Fat Bitch tshirt from Fat Girl Flow

Ashley Nell Tipton button set from Ashley Nell Tipton

2 Fat 2 Furious tshirt from Proud Mary Fashion



For the fatlete

Every Body Yoga by Jessamyn Stanley



For the scholar

The Fat Lady Sings: A Psychological Exploration of the Cultural Fat Complex and its Effects by Cheryl Fuller

Fat Studies in Deutschland (German) edited by Lotte Rose and Fritz Schorb


For your walls

Glorifying Obesity queer femme naked art black LatinxLatina by SwartzRund Queer

Fat Posi Bather – yellow by trixibelle

Fleurs et Cheveux clock by Marie Boiseau

Chocolate Drop by QueenAppleBuum


For the home

Adipositivity Project 2018 Calendar by Substantia Jones

Adipositivty 2018 Valentine Series Calendar by Substania Jones

Chubby guys give me heart eyes mug by BunnyBlush

Galaxy Edition Fat Positive original watercolour painting pillow by FatFeistyFemme



Previous fatlicious gift giving guides

Fatlicious Guide 2016

Fatlicious Guide 2015

Fatlicious Guide 2014

Fatlicious Guide 2013

Fatlicious Guide 2012

Fatlicious Guide 2011





On being in a sugary oblivion November 5, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 6:11 am

This is a special blog post. As you probably know, my fat positive radio show has been on a world tour since 2016. At the moment, the show is working its way across Africa, and is currently in Namibia. One of the women I wanted to speak with in Namibia was Cindy from Sugary Oblivion. Unfortunately, we couldn’t figure out a way to do a recorded interview, so instead, we’ve done an interview via email. Enjoy!


First up, Cindy, tell us a bit about yourself:


Hi, my name is Cindy. I’m a 27-year-old writer, sub-editor, columnist, lifestyle blogger from Windhoek, Namibia. I’d describe myself as a body positive fat babe who is passionate about good wine, good books and good people.


I’m so glad we were able to work out a way for you to be on the show/blog! I just finished reading your review of Roxane Gay’s Hunger, and I’d love to know a bit more about your thoughts. To be honest, I haven’t read it. I don’t feel strong enough yet, because I know it’s gonna be a rough (but worthwhile) experience. I’m a bit too fragile at the moment, but I know that one day I will. You end your review suggesting that everyone should read it. What value do you think it brings to people?


Well, the most obvious value is giving a fat, black woman the space to voice her truth without being interrupted or asked to make excuses for herself or her body and therein lies the simple beauty of ‘Hunger’. Also just being able to experience different sides of a fat woman’s experience that isn’t the cliche of “was fat, lost weight, got happy” is refreshing.


How did you get involved in fat activism/acceptance/body positivity (& what’s your preferred term to use)?


I prefer the term body positivity because I believe every single body is worth love, respect and affection, regardless of its shape, size or ability.


I would say I’ve always been on the body positive side of things but joining Twitter and meeting and engaging with so many people across the world has definitely helped me learn (and unlearn) so much about my own body politics. Meeting my best friend was also a massive turning point for me because I finally had someone who could not only relate to fat issues but who has gone and is going through them every day. She opened my eyes to a lot of things and I think we spend a lot of time (both knowingly and unknowingly) teaching each other so much about respect and compassion for every kind of body.



What’s the body positivity scene like in Namibia?


The body positivity scene here is in its infancy stages but it’s definitely growing. I would say feminists here are a definite driving force to helping it grow and showing other women what reclaiming your body and time looks like. I think so many of us are pushing back in little ways and it’s been adding up. I’m proud of our little community and the strides it’s been making.


What advice would you give to others in Namibia, or Africa, or across the world, who are interested in being more body positive?


Listen. Listen to the stories of other people whose politics you admire. Listen without interruption. Listen without expecting a ‘Body Positivity 101’ lesson. Just listen and take it in and understand. Also read a lot about why body positivity is so important and why it is imperative for the movement to be inclusive across all races, ages, sizes, abilities, etc. And then I would also say live your truth, and live it boldly. Walk with the knowledge that your body is beautiful and worthy, even when you can’t see it right now, even when society constantly tells you otherwise.


Cool. Where can people find you online?


I’m everywhere (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook) as Sugary Oblivion/Sugary Oblivion Lifestyle and I blog at







On super fat travel: Disneyland Paris October 5, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 6:12 am

A few months ago, I spent the day at Disneyland Hong Kong. I love all things Disney, and I was excited to visit one of the parks after a decades long absence. I was nervous, though, about engaging with the park as a super fat person. You can read about my experience here.


One thing I picked up during my time at Disneyland Hong Kong is that each Disney park has an app and website that detail each attraction/store/experience in the park, including accessibility information and an accessibility map of the park. You can even filter through things to do based on your needs. At first, I thought the “expectant mothers may not ride” would be useful, assuming it was related to their protruding stomach. ‘Cause I have a protruding stomach too! But no, I quickly realised this was a note about the shock/awe factor of the ride, not the size you need to be to fit into the rides.


Under the information for each individual ride, there is accessibility information and “Physical considerations”, which may note that you need to be in “good health” to ride. “Good health”. What a bullshit phrase. It goes on to elaborate that you shouldn’t ride if you have a heart condition, or high blood pressure, or motion sickness, or back or neck injuries. This particular warning is usually attached to the roller coasters. I wonder if they’ve ever considered adding a section about body size in the “Physical considerations” or a filter for physical size/fatness, but it could be tricky to determine how to evaluate the rides based on that in an uniform way. Fat bodies, especially super fat bodies, are not homogenous.

My day at Disneyland Paris couldn’t have been more different than my day at Disneyland Hong Kong. The weather, rather than being above 100 degrees Fahrenheit and humid, was a cool 75 degrees or so, with scattered showers throughout the day. The difference in the weather alone changed my entire mood as I began the day. It’s raining, so the park is quieter than expected. I always enter through the Castle (Sleeping Beauty!), and the first ride I encounter is Snow White. I look long and hard at the ride – there’s barely a line, so I can see the carriages from outside the ride. They seem to leave quite a bit of space and I find myself wondering if perhaps I could ride. I love the Storybook rides; they’ve always been a favourite.


I ask myself if my whole trip will be ruined – or even dampened – if I try and fail to fit into the ride. It isn’t worth it to start my trip if it might spoil it. But then I decide, nope, I’m going to give it a try and I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok and happy to continue along if it doesn’t work out.

So I get in the line and in less than 90 seconds, it’s my turn. As I step closer to board the carriage, I think, whoops – this isn’t going to work. I have to squeeze myself into the carriage and as I sit I see that the bar has almost nowhere to go. I give a smile to the attendant (to whom I said as I was waiting, “I’m not sure if I’ll fit, but I want to give it a try”) and prepare to exit. But then the bar barely comes down and locks into place. The attendant checks each carriage, and the ride is off!

I am in such shock I miss the first part of the ride – I’m too focused on the bar, which rests right against my upper belly/boobs, the fact that it’s not uncomfortable, and the reality that is slowly sinking in – I’m riding a ride with a bar at Disney. Whoa. When the ride is over, I get back into line. I wanna do it again. And this time I’m able to pay attention to all the cool details from the start, because I can take it for granted – like almost everyone else there – that I fit.


Next door is Pinocchio – never a story I enjoyed, but it looks like it might be the same as Snow White so I decide to give it a try. This one has a line; it takes almost 20 minutes before I’m at the front of the queue. Enough time to get equal parts nervous and excited; excited because I’m pretty sure these are the same carriages as Snow White so I should be right, but nervous because I can’t be sure and it’ll be a bit more of a spectacle to disembark and leave through this much larger crowd. Again, my fat ass fits! But yeah, dumb movie and a dumb ride too.

My excitement about fitting into the Storybook rides stay with me throughout the rest of the day. I rode the Carousel (Le Carrousel de Lancelot), and it’s a small world and Pirates of the Caribbean (I tried these at Disneyland Hong Kong and found them to not be an issue, although you do have to be able to hoist yourself up onto your carousel horse and out of the boats for iasw and Pirates). I also took a cruise on the Molly Brown, a steamboat that makes a short circuit around the inside of the park.

The last ride I tried was the Haunted Mansion, which was a favourite when I was a kid (in Paris it’s called the Phantom Manor). The first part of this ride is a giant elevator you share with a group of people, and then you go two-by-two (or by yourself in my case) into carriages for the rest of the ride. While these carriages were different from the Storybook rides, I was still able to nudge my way into the carriage and the bar didn’t come down very far before the ride began. So again, I fit!


I didn’t try my other favourite ride, which is Thunder Mountain Railroad. It’s one of the roller coasters, and from what I could see of the carriages from outside the ride, the bars on that ride go much lower than the Storybook rides. Those bars look to be sitting directly on people’s hips. I was having such a fun day, I decided not to risk dampening it by trying and failing – why push my luck on this trip? Maybe next time… (if anyone out there is super fat like me – a size 36 pants, double belly, super wide hips – who has ridden the roller coasters at Disney, or any amusement park, I’d love to hear about it!)

Across the day, I explored the entire park. I’ve never done that before – my time or energy have always exhausted themselves before seeing the entire park, so I assume that Disneyland Paris is smaller than the other parks I’ve been to in the past. It was an incredible day, filled with laughter and smiles and the music of my childhood. Knowing that I could come to the happiest place on Earth and enjoy most of it unencumbered is such a delight. I’ve got my eye on Disneyland Shanghai for my next adventure, as I’ll  be travelling through Shanghai on my way home from my Europe sabbatical. Until then, I’ve got great memories of the other parks to keep me smiling.


On the failure of spaces August 5, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 12:02 am

It’s hard to take a shower in three quarter turns;

Never moving your body fully.


Aware that too big a shift will send water spilling to the floor. And every time I did move, no matter how small, my second stomach would turn off the water. So I kept turning it back on. And trying not to spill it over the curtain.



I’ve never had to shower this way before.


Sure, I’ve had showers that were pretty small, but they always had doors. A physical presence upon which I could rely as a barrier between the water and outside. A physical presence upon which I could rely as a barrier between my fat body and outside. Maybe to lean against, or use to prop myself up on.


No, this tiny shower didn’t have a door. And it didn’t have one curtain, but two.


These two curtains met in the middle of the shower, which just happened to be where my largest parts met as well. Top stomach, meet second stomach. Tummies, meet hips and thighs.


No matter where I positioned myself in the shower, the two curtains clung to my fat like a second skin. And if I moved too much, the water would creep down my fat and past the curtains, seeping onto the tiled floor.



The failure of everyday spaces is an everyday object lesson for those who are super fat. The world around us is not built for us, and these reminders come at every turn. The chairs that are too small; the bathroom stalls that aren’t wide enough; the rides at any amusement park with the bars that won’t sit on our hips.


Walking through a crowded cafe? Forget about it. Making your way to the back of a classroom? Absurd.


As a super fat person, your life becomes structured around how the physical world does and does not welcome you in. You choose where to go based on whether they have booths or an accessible bathroom. You decline invites from co-workers because you know you won’t fit into the shared car they’re car. You make excuses for why leaving your house isn’t something you want to do. Even if you do.


Radical feminists have long imagined what a world without men might look like. How the structures might change; how women’s lives might be different. When I imagine, I imagine a world that is made for my super fat body. Where every ride at Disneyland can accommodate my hips & bellies; where every place I go has a restroom I can use without worry. I imagine a world where I can walk into any clothing store and find the casual black trousers I need for work, or the elegant dress for my best friend’s wedding.


Imagine, if you will, a world made for fat people. Where all bodies fit and no one is excluded because of their size. What might that look like? How would that change how you love through the world? What can you do to make your own spaces – and the spaces you frequent – more welcoming for fat people?


*First performed on 8 July, 2017, at Empowerment und Sensibilisierung zum Thema Fat-Shaming, hosted by Jugendnetzwerk Lambda Berlin-Brandenburg e.V. in Berlin, Germany





On super fat travel: Disneyland Hong Kong July 5, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 5:54 am

California is in my blood. My mother is a fourth generation San Franciscian. My Dad grew up in Southern California, before moving to the Bay Area as a teenager. After the oil business moved them to Midland, Texas, my parents continued to take trips back to their home state; it was the preferred vacation spot of the Pauséfamily. By the time I left for University, I had been to very few places in Texas, but was comfortable anywhere along the Pacific Coast Highway.

Trips to Disneyland were part of the fabric of my childhood. They were used as special occasions, family outings, and bribes to get me to demonstrate appropriate classroom behaviour (ie: talk less). Disney movies were one of the few approved media in our home; I grew up on a diet of Princesses and Fred McMurray musicals. As a kid, I strongly identified with the fat witch in Cinderella; as a teen, I was drawn to the fat sea witch of Ursula. As an adult, I recognise how problematic Disney is, with the patriarchal white supremacist ideologies and capitalistic goals. But I still sing along every time.

In my first year of University, I convinced some friends that going to DisneyWorld for Spring Break was the greatest idea ever. We had a friend who was a cast member, who offered his place and comped tickets, and we had a great week. When friends from that same University got married in Santa Monica a decade later, I chose to take a day trip to Disneyland while the rest of the wedding party shopped Rodeo Drive. Disney is a part of me.

When I was planning a stopover in Hong Kong (in my long haul travel from New Zealand to Germany), I discovered there was a Disneyland Park. At first, I thought it was a silly use of a day in a part of the world I’ve never experienced. But I did have four days, and Hong Kong isn’t that large of a city. I had another reservation, though. The last time I went to the happiest place on earth was during my final war with my body. I was a great deal smaller than I am now, and yet I remember the anxiety over whether I’d fit into the rides.

So you can imagine my anxiety this time around; 100lbs more awesome. How would that impact my experience? Will I fit into any of the rides? What else is there to do at Disney if I can’t? Can superfats do amusement parks?

Before I left, I had decided that even if I couldn’t ride any of the rides, I could still find joy in the magic of Disneyland. So, on my penultimate day, I hopped on the metro and headed to the park.

Hong Kong has a metro that takes you straight to the park

When I arrived at Disneyland Hong Kong, it was over 100 degrees (F) and 85% humidity. Not exactly weather to walk around all day in, regardless of the size of your body, your propensity to sweat, and whether any parts of your body rub together as you move. Luckily, I had lathered my folds up with Desitin, put on extra deodorant, covered myself in sunscreen, and was wearing a skirt and tank top – both optimal for superhot weather. After the first hour or so, I bought a visor to help keep the sun off my face.

My full Disney look


I knew from the start that I wanted to begin with it’s a small world. It’s the iconic Disney ride that exists in ALL the parks. I headed straight there once I arrived (Thanks Disneyland train that took me from the front entrance to FantasyWorld at the back of the park!). There weren’t lines for the ride, which was good (no waiting) and bad (no time to stealthily assess if I could go on the ride or not). I paid close attention as I weaved through the roped lines towards the ride and as I got closer I was able to confirm what I’d hoped: no bars across the hips on IaSW. (I could be wrong, but I’d imagine that bars across the hips are what makes many rides (at any amusement park) un-rideable for super fats like me).

So, I climbed in the boat (took a hoist up using the railing; it looked like they had a way for people without that ability to get in as well) and took a seat with a row to myself (like I said, no lines).

The boat; me and my belly & hips in the boat

The ride was just as awesome & annoying as I remembered. Apparently I was obsessed with this song when I was younger and led my godfather (& beloved uncle) to confiscate my Disney tape on a California road trip because all I wanted to listen to was this song. I found the representations amusing (THAT’s NZ?!) and perplexing (why does the continent of Africa not appear to be zoned into countries like the rest of the continents? Oh, right. White supremacy. Duh.)

New Zealand

Overall, though, I was overjoyed that I could still actually partake in this experience. That my body didn’t make it off limits; that their ride didn’t prohibit me from enjoying the songs and sights of the world according to Disney. I rode the damn thing a second time to just soak it all in again. (After that, I headed to get my visor – because that sun was brutal and my face needed some extra protection).

Then, I rode the carousel. This was the only attraction I attempted where the turnstile to enter the area was narrow – I couldn’t have gotten through it. (This was also true at the entrance to the park, but there, they have a wheelchair/stroller entrance right next to each turnstile, so it’s an easy diversion). The attendant, at my non-verbal gesture to my hips and sad shaking of my head, let me out the side gate and directed me to another side gate that would let me enter the area. Pretty easy. No big deal.

I found myself retreating to the indoor shows throughout the day. I’d never been to one before, with the exception of the Tiki room, as I’d always focused on riding as many rides as possible. But the heat & humidity made the shows attractive choices, and I didn’t have that driving need for rides. I went to Mickey’s PhilharMagic and Mickey and the Wonderous Book. Both were much more enjoyable than expected, and the air conditioned dark room was a welcome respite. In the short (12 min) PhilharMagic I was in an individual wooden theater seat that bit into my sides, as those usually do. But Wonderous Book (45 min) was in a theatre of bench seating, which was great. Both shows had the speaking in Cantonese and the singing in English.

The other attraction I did was the Jungle Book River Cruise. Again, one I knew to be free from hip bars. Like IaSW, you have to step down into the boat (& then back up out of it), but this boat has a rail you can use to assist yourself if needed. Benches line the river cruise, and apart from an initial perilous dip when I first sat down (as the first person on the boat), my size wasn’t an issue. It was an enjoyable (if predictable) experience.

The boat


As you can see, I only attempted one ride at the park – it’s a small world. I wasn’t sure before I entered the park if I would try multiple kinds of rides, but it wasn’t long before the heat and humidity zapped all my resilience and desire to attempt to see if I could fit elsewhere. I was surprised, though, at how much fun I had engaging with the park in different ways. All my previous times at Disney, I’ve only ever done the rides. Rides, rides, and more rides. In a way, I’m grateful that my fear and the weather drove me to discover other parts of Disney. Maybe on my next trip, I’ll give a few other rides a chance.

Regardless, I hope this post reassures other super fats that Disney is accessible to you – that bodies of all sizes can enjoy the happiest place on Earth! If you’ve got your own super fat at Disney experience, I’d love to hear about it – use #SuperFatDisney on social media or send me an email,


On super fat packing June 5, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — cjpause @ 3:20 am

As I’ve shared before, I’m on sabbatical for the second half of this year. I have the privilege of spending seven months in Germany (with short trips around Europe to collaborate with Fat Studies scholars and activists). Packing for a long trip is difficult; trying to cultivate a 3 season wardrobe into two suitcases feels insurmountable at the onset.

Lots of people who I spoke to about this were sympathetic, but then quick to quirk that I can simply buy what I need there. And that suggestion was always said with a wink and a nudge; ya know, you’ll HAVE TO buy new wardrobes in Europe and what a hardship that will be. Sometimes I just smiled and played along, but usually I took it as an opportunity to help them check their privilege.

“I can’t be guaranteed that any stores there will carry clothes that will fit me, so that’s not really a good way to plan for someone who is super fat, like me.”

This usually returned blank stares or dawning horror as it never occurred to them that clothing options are limited if you’re above a 18 (and even more so when you’re a 34/36 like me). I usually continued on, just to drive the point home.

“I’m sized out of all the clothes stores here in NZ. So, if I need something, I have to order it online and wait for it to arrive. And hope it fits well. Or at all.”

So, packing for my seven month trip to Europe is filled with more anxiety than anything else. Because I can’t just stroll into a shop and buy what I need. (Luckily, the same places that ship to NZ will definitely ship to Germany, so I will have access, albeit slow access, to additional options).

What I’ve done is twofold.

First, I’ve a definite colour scheme. I’ve gone with white, black, and red. Now, I wear a lot more blue than anything else, but I had key pieces in red (turtleneck and stretch tank top) that made red my best accent colour.

Second, I’ve curated a wardrobe where everything can go from summer to winter (except the heavy duty winter stuff).

So, for example, take this sundress.

Me and Substantia Jones of The Adipositivity Project (she was a keynote at FSNZ16)

It’s perfect for hot summer days. If I add leggings (& maybe a black duster jacket) it’s good for cooler Fall weather. And if I put a turtleneck on first, and switch the leggings for thick tights, I’ve got a winter outfit! And I can change between three turtlenecks (in white, black, red) and three leggings (guess the colours) and three tights (ahem, you’ve got this, right?), and I’ve technically got 13 different outfits (feel free to check my math) in this one dress & accompaniments.

This is how I’ve planned to fit seven months into two suitcases. I’ll report back on Twitter over the next several months about how I’m going (follow me for lots of super fatting around Europe! @FOMNZ). I’d love to hear from other super fats what challenges they encounter when packing for trips – and any hacks they’ve worked out to make that part of travelling less of a hassle!